Reality not always as easy..........

Having been really proud of myself with coping so well with the third anniversary - have actually found the day really hard and long! Gilly is in bed with a cold/flu so I'm on my own tonight - which is fine - though I felt the need to talk so rang several people - but that's good too!

Bought a new stereo today for my bedroom - with an ipod dock - and it's wonderful as it fills my whole bedroom with music - have had to shift furniture etc to get it right - but I now have sound surround music in my bedroom - linked to the Ipod - which is amazing!

So a long hard day - but that's OK - it was never going to be easy - I think I have come such a long way through these three years and sometimes it is good just to accept being sad...................

Third anniversary

Today is the third anniversary of Chris's death. I have been aware that it has been coming all week/month but it has been a much lighter shadow this year. I have just looked back to the two previous anniversaries and can really see that. One of the reasons I love my blogg so much is that I can re-visit my life over the last three years and see where my head was!

So worked yesterday as normal, had a Spanish lesson with Hector - and a year on I can actually have conversations in Spanish - how amazing is that, cooked myself a meal for one - bacon and mushroom salad with new potatoes - I like the hot/cold combo - watched part of a Spanish film - and talked to Paul and Sue for a lovely long time.

I was very tired last night - which when I think of how much I've travelled over the last three weeks was not surprising! My week started in Blanes and included a trip to Bristol which is two long trains from Liverpool.

Today two of my sons will come for breakfast/lunch, I will get my hair cut - it's pretty shaggy at the moment and then Gilly and I will drink wine and talk. Tomorrow I have a big group of Europeans coming for a few days and I go to Brussels on Thursday. But I will go dancing on Monday - so looking forward to that - in one of my new skirts I bought in Bristol made from re-cycled saris!

So I recognise what a lucky, lucky lady I am and I recognise that this is the third anniversary of my lovely husband's death with contentment and joy in my heart......

Blogging from Blanes

It's Monday and I have to finish of my development plan for the new centre this morning and then Fernando will run me to Girona airport this afternoon. I do feel so at home in Spain - which is great and my spanish is getting better but it's still pretty horrible. Fernando's house is a building site - so that makes me feel at home - though I know I'll be going back to a finished house - and Ed is painting the outside whilst I'm away.

I found america hard - I always do - and Madrid was actually hard work - but exciting. So it has been lovely just to have a couple of days doing nothing - we swam in the sea on an empty beach, walked, ate paella and fish and watched a film in french - and I breathed fresh air!!! There are two terraces with views from mountains to the sea and I have spent a long time on the upper terrace just breathing and collecting my thoughts.

So back to work properly tomorrow - the second launch of the pack and then straight to Bristol.... feel I have got my energy back -so how lucky am I..............

Having a first in Indianapolis!

Chris died just days after the 2006 COE conference and in 2007 I surrounded myself with Jimmy and Harri. Last year I went with Margaret and this year I've travelled on my own - and quite right too.

However I suddenly found myself today on my own in Indianapolis - I couldn't even point to it on a map - got the time zone wrong earlier today - and although I travel all the time on my own - it did suddenly feel that I was very much on my own. Might be something to do with having been with so many of my friends for the last few days.

I have been coming to the COE conference for the last 11 years - and have a group of very dear friends and I also know so many people - many have been to Liverpool on the staff tours, or their staff or students have been etc etc - so the COE conference is always a giant thing - but the bottom line is it's work - and I'm tired tonight.

...........continued the next morning. Felt quite lonely last night when writing this - when Lesley popped up on Facebook and we ended up talking for hours - she has some phone deal with free calls to the US! It was wonderful.

I'm such a lucky person, I feel lonely - so a friend with a great phone deal just appears!!

Staying in Houston

Has been wonderful – which I didn’t expect as I so struggle with America – I find the level of hatred and fear palpable – as I witnessed yesterday in the anger around President’s Obama’s speech to the school children. Bobbye put this radio station on and it was like the car just filled up with venom. A country of extremes which is also home to some of the loveliest people I know.

The joy of being in Houston has been Bobbye, Jackie and Mama. I’ve known Bobbye for 11 years, since she did the very first Black Roots summer school and have met Jackie a couple of times since they married 6 years ago – but had not spent time with the lovely man until now.... and Mama – she is so special – now in her 90s and very very frail with dementia – she is just such an amazing person.

As I type I’m sitting next to her as she sleeps. She doesn’t always remember me – but when she does – she gives me the most wonderful smile of recognition and then she forgets – so every time she remembers me I get this amazing welcome.

Mama is very old now – well into her 90s – and has had a lifetime which has gone from growing up in New York, the daughter of a housekeeper of a German artist, to now living with her only daughter in Houston. Her only brother died tragically as a young man, a now recognised Black artist with a painting in the Smithsonian. So no immediate next generation but a huge extended family across the USA.

I am so pleased that I made it here to spend time with Mama before she goes, I have helped Bobbye tend to her and made chicken soup yesterday. I’m crying as I type this and look at this wonderful frail old lady sleeping gently next to me. I do know why I feel so strongly about Mama – we just ‘clicked’ when we met and my love for her was met by hers for me.

Mama’s Great Grandmother was born a slave. As I write this sentence and look at the wonderful old lady sleeping beside me – the enormity of this statement resonates around me. Mama used to spend her summers in Georgia with her Grand Mother and Great Grand Mother. I am one cuddle away from a woman who was born enslaved.

I’m going to put two pictures with this blog – one of Mama as a young woman in the 1930s and one of Mama and me.

My heart hurts but also radiates with love.

Spirithorse

The Valley of Dreams was just so much fun, we danced and we sang, we ate great food and we laughed, we talked and we enjoyed the rain and the gale force winds! It was a tent village of lovely remarkable people, who didn't care about convention or status. I felt so privileged to be a part of it, to be so beautifully embraced in the loveliness and often time craziness of it all!

It was also a profoundly moving experience and there were times when I did feel a bit over-whelmed by it all.

I had taken a small oak tree with me, which Lara had given me last year and had been in my back garden - and I knew it couldn't stay there. I had also taken some of the cloth from Rene's Sweat Lodge - and the tree and the cloth were incorporated into a whole village ceremony - which was an amazingly powerful and wonderful experience.

The valley is so beautiful and special and it felt very right to recognise Chris there, whilst at the same time dancing outrageously and being wild!

I went dancing last night in Hoylake, which I really needed. It was a lovely session and it has helped to ground me a bit after the weekend - get my feet back on the ground - for a few days -before I go to Texas.

Wow - I am just so remarkably blessed!

The Valley

Living on my own.............

Tonight - for the first time in my entire life - I am living on my own!!!!

Jimmy moved into his house today, all ready to start university, and I am now a completely independent woman!

Not that long ago I would have thought this to be my worst nightmare - but tonight I am just really ready for the next stage of my life. I am also very conscious of how many people live on their own, sometimes from a very early age - I am also aware that I am not the only person I know of comparable age that have actually never lived on their own.

So from today I will be on my own - rattling around this great big house - but comfortable with this - which is good - this feels very much as a part of a process -the Spirithorse weekend was absolutely amazing - also part of the process.

So I am now on my own......................... and it feels good!!!

An exhausting and emotional week

Hit me by surprise - quite how emotional and upsetting the week has been - the week of Jimmy's A level results - the upshot of which is he's going to John Moores to do History - a good result but not his first choice.

But the thing is - and I'm continuing to get upset as I write this - is that it's been such a hard three years for Jimmy - and for me too - as his Mum - I had the responsibility of helping him get to the next stage - which as Chris died just as he started his A levels - was to pass his A levels and go to university. It was an unspoken thing that this is what he had to do - because it would have been what his Dad would have wanted. Looking back over the last three years - he/we didn't make good choices - how did he end up doing Maths and Physics for three years!!!!!!!!!!! .. and in the end he was only two points off the grade required!

So I think so much of the emotion this week has been one of relief - though this has come out as anger in Jimmy and over-emotional tearfulness by me.

It's now Friday night - Jimmy is reconciled to his course - I actually think it's a better option for him - and we are friends again. We are both away next weekend and he will move out the week after that - and I suppose this has also been part of the emotion of the week.

I am proud of Jimmy for what he has done over the last three years and myself for supporting him - as much as I could - alongside his two lovely big brothers. So family Jenkins a joint effort - but an exhausting week non the less!!

Family holiday............

.......came as a bit of a surprise - though I don't know why as I did go with two of my sons, Lara and met up with Franja and her son Jan - but it was just that - a real family holiday - and just lovely - Nerezine is a perfect place - we did very little apart from swim, eat, read, played cards, drink beer, talked and laughed a lot - though I did run every morning, usually with Franja - which has got me back running - comfortably did the park this morning - so feel fit and relaxed. Don't really feel like going back to work tomorrow.

With so much going on in my life - a family holiday was just perfect - though I can't see me having another one - but who knows - Rob was also away having a ball in Bosnia and Serbia with a couple of mates - he's full of great stories - definitely didn't sound like a family holiday though!!!

So back to work - do feel a bit steadier than a few weeks ago - which is good - and how lucky am I to have had another wonderful family holiday.........................

Feeling good................

It's Saturday morning and feeling good - despite too much wine in Estabans last night with Gilly - where we met Jim and Les, and Les's parents and had a lovely time. Last weekend was also lovely in Blanes with Fernando - now that was a first! BMW convertibles are definitely my favourite cars!! It was easy, fun and lovely - lovely is obviously my word of the moment - I spoke a lot of Spanish, swam in the warm sea, ate prawns and felt special - and it was lovely!

Jim got home from Benicassim - really happy and relaxed - and has slept most of the week. We're going to my Mum and Dad's today for lunch and I'm invited out to lunch tomorrow - another week at work - then off to Croatia with boys and friends!

So I'm feeling good and very grateful for my lovely life - relishing being an independent woman!

Lara's graduation...........

...was lovely - I felt very honoured to be there and the pride of Tano y Juaquina was so wonderful and richly deserved. This is my favourite photo of my lucky son with his wonderful novia - and his mug!



Feel very excited as am off to Girona for the weekend!

IPWD y la cena española

Yesterday was special - Rob came round early and we had fun shopping for the Spanish dinner party, Alex had arrived Friday evening, so all my boys were here, which is always lovely.

Together we walked to The Beech tree in Sefton Park and I scattered the ashes of my lovely old dog around it's base. Uniting forever Chris and Kip.

IPWD - In Park With Dog was the message that Chris would text me when I was away and he was sitting on the bench in front of the Beech tree - and I would be in a hotel or somewhere - and I would know my Chris was sending me a virtual kiss. So now Chris and Kip will be for eternity IPWD - which feels right and good but also more than a bit final - a big step taken in my life without him. I was so pleased I put the big photo of Chris in the kitchen as it has felt so right to have him there visually at a time that I have said a deeper farewell to him.

We returned to the house for breakfast, Kippers for me and Rob! and did the quiz together - laughing and full of life - my beautiful three sons and me. Later Rob and I prepared for the Spanish dinner party - which was a great success. Lara and her parents arrived early evening and I had invited Hector and a friend, Lady one of our Interns and Vanessa a beautiful dancer. It was a wonderful dinner - I ploughed on in Spanish most of the evening and the food went down very well.

So it's Sunday morning, Jimmy's gone to Spain for the Benicassim music festival, we're off to see the baby this morning, then lunch with Perri, Gilly and the boys, then off to Leeds tomorrow for Lara's graduation, hoping to get back in time to dance. With so much going on in my life, I really need the dancing oasis's - to catch my breath.

So Chris and Kip are in the park together forever and I am so aware and thankful for my wonderful life.

Weekend away...

It's Tuesday morning and I came back late last night from Antwerp and Amsterdam with the TRiO students. Their summer school contains a travel element, as by selection, they have not travelled before. I haven't been involved with a trip for several years and it was good to remind myself of the reality.

They all got such a huge amount from travelling around Europe for the first time and it was just wonderful to witness the group seeing the bigger world and embracing it - I also just had so much fun! Gravitated towards the dancers in the group - and danced both nights in Antwerp but really danced amazingly in Amsterdam with three others who shared my passion.

Came back to a beautifully clean, empty, carpeted house - which was a joy - Jim's off in a barn somewhere - spoke lots of Spanish with Mexicanos and strangely met Hector in the airport waiting for his parents - where Lupe, Mario and Hector discussed my accent - which was really nice - to think that I have an accent in Spanish is a bit of a mental leap!

Came home and was too buzzy to sleep so looked at my emails and found love from Stacksteads - as always special and comforting - and also lots more photos of the Beach Party - a couple of which I think I'll put on my blogg - cos although they are a few weeks ago - it's how I look at the moment. Though I am expecting to see lots of photos from this weekend - as very very many were taken!!

It's such a joy to be happy - how lucky am I.......

Wonderful new baby...

Tonight I went to see Becki's beautiful new baby - and he really is a very beautiful baby - only been breathing a few hours but already so loved. My little sister is now a Nanny - and the epicentre and heart of an amazing family!

Amazing week...............

Started with Rene arriving from Montana and ended up with Brenda's amazing nomination by Obama and the bits in between were a very fast moving mixture of York and Liverpool, dear friends from Croatia and Finland - with lots of late nights, early mornings and a surprising amount of work done.

Highlights included sharing a crazy Bed and Breakfast attic room with Rene in York, Rob's curry and the invitation to Montana, tapas with Jimmy and Harri followed by too much dark rum and reassurances - so it's Friday evening and I'm genuinely exhausted but also as high as a kite!!

So a bit of a Wow week - understatement! - and I came home to a house with carpets - which still takes a bit of getting used too - but is also wonderful - no dog to greet me - but strangely I'm getting used to that. Know I will take a bit of time to absorb all this - though a week like this can only reinforce my 'how lucky am I' mantra.

So I don't have to get up ridiculously early tomorrow which is definitely different but I am also on my own which is a first in well over a week but wow what an amazing week!!!

Saturday night...

.. and for a change I'm not at a dancing party! But I am just enjoying being at home - as the house moves on!

I made the decision a few days ago that I will put nothing back into these newly decorated (and carpeted) rooms that I don't want. This is actually very hard as I'm either re-cycling or throwing away very deeply personal things that can easily have 30 years or more's worth of connections. But I'm doing it ruthlessly - watching - and physically - taking these things either to the tip - or getting Rob to take to a charity shop.

This morning I also went through all my photographs since Chris died and took a selected CD to Asda to print - I also bought a large frame - and am doing a montage of 2 years plus post Chris. I haven't made it yet but have got all the photos I want together - and have just laid them out approximately on a large frame. It doesn't have much from the first year but from year 2 - it's got lots of family, old and new friends in different continents - lots of photos of me - which is very different from the other montages around this house - and lots of happiness - which is really good to see and to recognise.

I also got a large photo of Chris printed at Asda this morning - and bought a frame. After quite a bit of thinking I have put it up in the kitchen - in the corner where Chris used to sit. It's actually quite in your face - when you turn round and see him there - and I have been thinking all night is this the right time to bring a big photo of Chris into this newly transformed and different house!

But what I have decided is that this is exactly the right time to have an overt picture of Chris more visible in my house. At the moment I'm making so many changes in my life - but that lovely man was the making of me - he has gone - but I don't want to forget him - what ever else happens in my life.

The house wave gently finishes with carpets...

.. and with flowers courtesy of Sefton Borough Council!

My house - the shell that I have lived in for over 30 years - has had a face lift - been a bit of a trauma but needed to happen - today the final carpets were fitted - though like all these things - Ed will have to come round next week - to plane two doors so that they will close! - but apart from that - and the horrible mess that's in the other rooms and needs sorting out prior to going back in - it's practically finished!!!!!!!! I am just so happy about this - and it's lovely and green and pink - and different from how it was - a bit like me!

waves of turmoil..............

Not certain why but feeling quite anxious at the moment – not really worried anxious more like an excited anxiousness! Blogging quite a lot – I suppose because I need to think it through and although I’m talking to lots of people I’ve not really got one person to talk to – so thank you blogg – you are my person to talk to!

I suppose it’s this overwhelming feeling of change going on my life. Although on the surface very little has changed – still doing my old job, though that’s changing, still living in my old house, though that is definitely changing and still have my old friends though I now have quite a lot of new ones as well, which is lovely, don’t have a dog any more and that is a change.

I suppose the real change is me. Looking inside of me - I think I have changed or am in the process of changing. I suppose the anxiety is linked to what’s going to come out of all this change! Though writing this is good because as I write I realise that I want this change and am happy and excited about the changes going on.

Not certain why I wrote waves of turmoil as my heading for this entry – but I think in some ways it does sum up quite well what I’m feeling at the moment - which being part of a big wave, strong feeling of being swept along, not feeling in control of where I’m going, enjoying the ride but also feeling a bit anxious about the whole wave crashing and being swept into the maelstrom. But I suppose all waves crash, some more spectacularly than others, but all finally end up at their farthest gentle point before being drawn back into the whole again.

So it’s Saturday morning and the decorating of the house has finally finished, the carpets arrive on Wednesday and a wonderful Limpiadora has come into my life and is cleaning up the debris left behind. The houses’s wave of change has crashed and I can see the beauty of the wave gently hitting the shore before being pulled back into the ocean!

Estoy disfrutando la ola de mi vida como un flujo de cambio, caos y belleza!

All change............

Have been thinking of changing my blog photograph for a little while - and when I was sent this one today I knew that this was the photo I wanted to show the new me. the email referred to Trish's renaissance which I also really liked as well - as I do feel like a new woman - Renaissance Tricia - aka Dancing Tricia.


I danced for the best part of 10 hours on Saturday night and into Sunday morning at an amazing beach party and was wild and happy. Danced with lovely memories of my beautiful old dog - who had run on that beach many times. Didn't feel guilty about being happy - watched the night turn into day, danced with the stars and the sea and anyone else who was dancing and felt wonderful - even managed after an hours sleep to have a Spanish lesson with Hector!


Work today was very good - know I'm a bit over the top at the moment - but am surrounded by wonderful people - who seem to be coping with me - as it's Monday - I also went dancing - my feet just can't stop at the moment!!!!


Haven't lost sight of Chris and part of my joy is the certainty that he would be happy that I am happy again - he will never know Renaissance Tricia - and he could never know her as she's his legacy. But my joy also recognises that he always had a wicked sense of humour!!