Friday and not in work

In fact not even out of bed! I like the Wireless thing (technical term) we bought – it means I can use the laptop around the house including listening to the latest episode of the Archers in bed – or in this case emailing Debbie at work about some meetings.

But I have enjoyed tea and toast in bed – listening to Hannah’s CD – and upsetting the dog who thinks that his walk is very late today – which it is!

Feel a bit guilty as everyone is completely knackered at work with the remorseless regime of non stop summer schools and the final visit days – end of year finances and the mayhem which is always June and July in my world. Don’t see why I should feel more tired than the others but suppose that’s just me arguing with myself rather than accepting that I need to take the time off – I am coping but if I wasn’t doing four days then maybe I wouldn’t be.

So Friday – I will sort out some house stuff – new downstairs toilet not working – fix the towel rail in upstairs toilet – go shopping with Jim – absolutely no food in the house – sort out the dog’s kennels for when we are in America – better get up – can hear him barking downstairs – telling me he wants his walk!

Renata leaves

We arrived back from Galway yesterday and then went down to the Youth Leadership conference – where a friend of Renata was speaking – another wonderful young Croatian, Danjela – with the TRiO students. Haven’t really seen these students since I did the Welcome 3 weeks ago – though Renata has been out with them a few times – and she went out with them again last night – bumping into Jimmy and his mates out clubbing!

The Croatian links are getting stronger and I spent time with Violeta, Blazenka and her daughter Marta in Ireland and have arranged quite a few things for the future. There is a sense of magic around these links with Varazdin. They and I, both enjoy the story about how I watched the Webcam for 2 years before visiting Varazdin in 2001 and then meeting Blazenka and Renata in Stoke on Trent in 2003. Since then Renata has become so close to me, with Graz and holidays and visits, and now the formal links growing through work. A very strong sense of this is meant to be – though where it is leading I am not sure.

Galway was an opportunity for me to reflect on where I am going. In September it will be a year since Chris died and sometime over the following year I think I will be ready to think about where I am going in the future. But good friends and chance conversations are starting to make me think – there are two stages to this – first I must accept that what I do in the future does not include Chris – and I don’t think I am quite there yet – and secondly when I have accepted this - then I can start to think about what I want to do with the rest of my life.

But Galway though hard, did move me forward – what I do know is that my future in some way involves Croatia and Varazdin – because I have known this for several years now- and Renata and her sheeps just makes me happy.

Galway cont....

Felt the need to do a blog tonight - have found the conference quite hard - though presentation went very well - it's just meeting lots of people that I know and that I haven't seen since last September. The sense of loss was strong tonight - as I had a 'I'll phone Chris' moment when I came back to the room for the night - which was hard.

Anyway - am listening to the latest episode of the Archers and having a herbal tea - time for bed!

Galway

The Lakes were lovely – though I managed to forget to fill the car with petrol for the third time in a few weeks and ended up getting a lift from a very nice young student from Manchester Uni - to get a gallon of petrol – I never run out of petrol – and three times in almost as many weeks! This is what makes me worry about myself – I seem to be able to do everything OK but forget to fill the car with petrol.

However the walks were great – and we did a long one on the Saturday – with no rain – Renata was euphoric about the lambs and sheeps which made the walk very special and a shorter one on the Sunday with some rain – the boys managed to pack in three swims, two saunas and we all had dinner out on the Saturday night – so quite a packed weekend.

Monday was work and busy and then dancing on Monday night – I told them about Renee building a Sweat Lodge, burning ribbons, cotton and tobacco and praying for Chris – I told them because it seemed the right thing to do – and it triggered other stories - I do love the dancing – it clears my head. Dancing, blogging and walking in the park with the dog - my spaces.

So Tuesday was a bit mad and Margaret, Renata and I arrived here in Galway late last night and I met some old friends. First time meetings are still hard and I know I have a day of them today. I am also making the opening speech at the conference and I am worried that I will be wrong footed by a nice person being caring just before I speak. But Big Breath – just get on with it – story of my life at the moment!

Off to the Lakes

For the weekend - it is absolutely pouring down as I write - so I do hope it stops. Jim, Renata, Aziz, Jamal & Kipper - I'm looking forward to revisiting a couple of my favourite walks. For all I wasn't working today - I don't seem to have had any time!

Running and not really standing still

Renata arrived last Sunday and it has been a very busy week – but a good one. We went to Cardiff on Monday evening after work, as I had a meeting there on Tuesday. Before we left I found letters and a CD from Hannah – which I have played all week – and is playing now as I write this. Unexpected presents are the best. Running to catch up with myself at work but still took Friday off as I know I need to do this to keep on top of things. Had 12 for dinner on Thursday, 4 US Interns, 2 TRiO staff, Metap our Turkish Intern, Renata, Jimmy, Rob and my niece Becki. I found it quite hard – not the logistics but just doing it without Chris – he always enjoyed cooking and entertaining a group like this. But I’ve done it now and Rob and Renata were a great help at keeping the conversation going – some interesting US/Croatian/Turkish comparisons!

Went out Friday with Les and Ruth, Renata went out with the boys, Alex was home which is always a pleasure. Renata and I met Jenny, Ann and Evi on Saturday and we walked beyond Crosby beach, it was high tide and I have only seen the Gormley statues at low tide – we could only see a few heads – but that was such a different view of them – I enjoyed them – without being able to see them!

It’s good to be so busy – but I know I need to watch the ever present, creeping exhaustion!

Levels of exhaustion

Tomorrow is Friday – and I’m not working. My first official four day week – and I am so appreciative of this. I suppose it’s because my body knows that I’m not working tomorrow that it has let itself be so tired tonight. I have been really questioned this total feeling of exhaustion – it has been creeping up on me for a while now – I don’t think I have ever felt like this before - even when the boys were tiny babies – I have never felt this depth of physical tiredness. Not unwell – not sick - but just completely and utterly exhausted.

Talked to Gilly tonight and she said that I have had 5 years of intense emotions in a space of a few months and that this must have a physical knock on – and that made sense to me. Tonight I am also feeling proud of myself in coming out and acknowledging my physical weariness before it catches up with me in some form of illness. Looking back when I have been sick it has often been at times when I could be ill – when I have let myself switch off. So the fact that I am working – and doing OK – despite having a bit of a wobble today – but by and large working and coping well – however I am increasingly thinking that it is important that I give in to the tiredness – and just accept it as stage that I have to go through.

I have never really read thoroughly the booklets they gave me on bereavement but I don’t recall a section on ‘giving into exhaustion’ – but today I feel that this is what I must do – and that to acknowledge that the tiredness is a good thing. The other good thing is that tomorrow I am off for three days – lovely!!!

Doing what I would have done the night Chris died

New staff are invited, with their Head of Department, to a meal at the Vice Chancellor’s Lodge – and the night Chris died I was due to go with some new members of my team – and tonight I went with another couple of new staff.

I don’t know if anyone else had put the two events together – but in my mind the link was very strong. Anyway I went and enjoyed it in many ways – not least because I had done it – walking home I felt an over whelming sadness and then when I got home I felt really sad and lonely – on my own – probably for the best - I met Jim going round to his mates.

Thinking about it I feel sad that I am so upset just for me – I’m not really thinking about Chris – I’m just thinking about me – and what it feels like to be sad and feeling on my own. Now isn’t that self indulgent!

I think about Chris all the time but tonight I was thinking about myself and I suppose people would say – it’s early days – and that’s probably what you need to do at this time – but it is making me cross with myself. I am sad and I am lonely – and that’s OK – that’s how I should feel – but I shouldn’t feel sorry for myself – I don’t approve of that. I have too much in my life to enjoy, to appreciate and to feel grateful for – but I’m not - I’m feeling sorry for myself!

Anyway – good old blogg – to my rescue – I’ve written it down now – I’ve acknowledged it – don’t think better of myself for thinking these things – but do feel better that I am open with myself for feeling like this. So what to do – well – stop feeling sorry for myself – find a new book I’ve just finished the 5th Barchester Chronicle – count my blessings and probably have an early night!

… and be nice to the dog - Rob mended the back gate over the weekend – helped by Aziz – and then painted it – I put a caste iron bench across the path to stop the dog running into the wet paint – last night when Jim let him out – he chased an imagined cat and went slam into the bench – knocked it over and broke it!! I think it’s amazing that he can break a heavy duty bench and not appear even a bit delicate today – considering his injuries of two weeks ago – anyway I can be nice to the dog tonight – there I feel better already!

Socialising on a Wednesday night

After a day at work – London and back for a day long meeting – then out for a tapas and drinks on Lark Lane - thank you Deirdre and Margaret – I had a lovely night. It has made me recognise how far I have travelled – last time we went out was my birthday – which was pretty grim! Tonight I had a social night out on a Wednesday – after a long day work wise – it doesn’t sound like much – but to me – it feels like a bit of a bit of a milestone.

I’ve not been ready for this before now – it’s been easier to play safe – and rightly so – but tonight I suppose I did what many people do all the time – and in my former life I did too – but it felt good.

Today I did a couple of things for the second time – the meeting in London – going out with D&M – things are easier when you have done them once before!

Bank Holiday Dancing

Alex appeared unexpectedly on Saturday, which was lovely, and on Sunday we went over to Mum and Dad’s and met Max and Bryony which was another lovely surprise – we had lunch and the boys and Bryony, all took turns in taking the Mickey out of each other – lots of laughing – my Dad is very deaf and doesn’t hear unless you talk to him directly and I’m not certain Mum caught all the jokes – but it was a happy visit.

Today Paul and Susan came over. Paul ran a cable for the TV into Jimmy’s room and Sue and I went through a load of old jewellery and I sent a box to Hannah who is a professional jeweller - I don't know if she'll use all the pieces - many came from Chris’s Mum and Aunty Elsie - but it was lovely to send them to someone who could put them to use - and would appreciate them. I’m getting very good at sorting and getting rid of things these days! Paul and Sue are such special friends and I know they miss Chris hugely – he was very close to both of them – last summer’s holiday will always be remembered as a very special time for us all.

Then tonight I went dancing – it’s 5 Rhythm Dancing – a sort of dancing meditation – I do love it so much – and I did cry tonight - especially after being with Paul and Sue. Dancing gives me a time and a way to cry – it’s a real release. I can’t live my life my crying and letting my emotions be raw – but through the dancing I have space to do so. At the end of the session I told people why I cried – as it was a Bank Holiday we were a small group – and I’m glad I told them something about myself – I haven’t spoken much at all for the 5 months I’ve been going and that’s not like me!

Tuesday tomorrow but a short week – feeling OK about work – feeling OK about life really – counting my blessings and recognising what a lucky woman I am.

Jim is 17

Funny how things work out – I suppose it’s inevitable but Birthdays and special days are hard – anyway the dog has come up trumps and has been really ill – couldn’t walk at all this morning and yowelled with pain at every step – after the vet really scared us with possibilities about his innards – he finally decided that he has a sore neck – we think probably caused by careering down the path, skidding to a halt and crashing into the yard gate – whilst chasing a cat! Anyway – he’s on dog medication and we’ve to take him back to the vets tomorrow – but he did Jim and me a favour by making us pre-occupied with something else!

The hardest bit I found was to buy and write a card for Jim – signing it just from his Mum - that was hard - Alex’s birthday was the day after the funeral and I could write ‘love Mum and Jim’ on Rob’s card – but I did struggle buying and signing Jim’s card – which is pretty stupid – but maybe not.

Anyway we have now passed and recognised all five birthdays and that’s a good thing – Jim seems in good spirits and talking positively about next year and returning to school – though I think that all the sofa lying has enabled him to grow a few more inches – my lovely seventeen year old, six foot four baby!

Feeling much happier

As I’m going to be working 4 days a week and am taking extra time off over the summer. It feels like a lot less pressure – I am doing well and coping OK at work but I did feel that it was all getting a bit on top of me – so working less hours will force me to prioritise what I can and need to do – I didn’t want to go off sick and take a few weeks off - so this way I can catch up with myself – hopefully.

I have a job which I love and one I know I can do – but I am also aware that I am struggling. I have also started to understand that a sudden bereavement like mine has a physical as well as psychological impact – it was good to be told these things – as I was feeling that I just wasn’t coping and was so very very tired. So this way, hopefully I will keep on top of things but also be able to say – sorry can’t do that at the moment.

Work is actually very good – we are at an exciting time with lots going on and things happening – I am so lucky as I have the kind of job that can be as big as I want to make it – what I need to do at the moment is to work out what I really need to be doing – and then to force myself to say no to things that I don’t need to do - hopefully this will help me be clearer about what I really want and need to do!

Anyway the upshot of this week is that I am going to be at work less and this will give me a bit more time to do other things – or maybe nothing – and as Chris always said doing nothing was always what I very bad at!

Another week

Struggling not to feel depressed - and determined not to go there - though it has been hovering for a few days now.

Jimmy has been unwell and though it looks like just a virus - it has taken it out of him - he seems a lot better this weekend and also started to eat again - you do get worried about 16 year old boys with no appetite.

Alex appeared a bit unexpectedly and has made us all laugh - he an ability to lighten us all - though the fart jokes rule when he is here!

Had a quiet Eurovision - last year we had two Norwegians and a Croatian and were much European - but last night we had Gilly, Aziz and Jamal and we enjoyed it - lots of laughing and messing about. Again recognising how lucky I am to have so many lovely boys in my life.

Today I feel very tired that's probably why I feel a bit low - Alex is trying out the new bath and from the cursing think he has managed to fill it with cold water - easily done!

May Bank Holiday

Have been away walking in Yorkshire - it was really good - there was 8 of us - all women - and it was easy, fun and a lovely opportunity to talk. We were also very lucky with the weather - and the spring flowers and freshness were wonderful.





Ruth hadn't done much walking before and her pleasure and sense of achievement was a joy. She and I also had the chance to talk which was special. Ruth suddenly lost her husband last July and I have been thinking about her a lot over the last few months - as we are in many ways sharing a journey. So it was good to talk and for us both to have a depth of understanding of each other's situation, based on our own knowledge.


There were lots of flowers, including bluebells on all three of our walks and we did a good mixture of moors, woods and climbs.



So all in all a very satisfying weekend and one I think I needed. It's good to have some fresh air and a bit of distance.

The last day of April

It’s Monday evening and I have been dancing – I do so love it – I still cry when dancing but that’s OK – it’s that kind of dancing!

Rob and I had a big row this afternoon – deep stuff – we both hurt. We’re the other side of it now and have agreed to talk but not now - sometime soon. Rob is such a wonderful young man and has been so amazingly here for me the last few months - he is the last one I want to argue with but probably he will always be the first – anyway in some ways I am glad - as we now have to talk about things soon – I hope so.

Doug and Sue came up last weekend and that was lovely – it was also a bit hard as they are a couple from way way back and now it’s two to one – but we had a lovely time – drank too much and walked the Gormley Statues and laughed and enjoyed ourselves. Gilly, Fiona, Rob and Jim’s mate Joe came to a barbeque on Saturday afternoon/evening and the Chimnea had a real baptism of fire (literally) as we sat in the dusk and darkness!

Still struggling at work – finding it hard to focus – I am too easily distracted – one email sends me off in another direction – I am so lucky with my team and boss as they all seem to understand and give me a bit of leeway at the moment.

But by and large OK – good bits and hard bits - and a recognition that’s OK – though struggling a bit with that. I am still amazed at how hard I am finding all this – I am a woman with a lot of capacity – child of wonderful (still very alive) parents, I had the love of a wonderful man for 35 years, three beautiful sons and a great job – what right have I to find life hard?

Hard but not unhappy – doing my best and what more can anyone say – and I know I’m so lucky! Tomorrow is May and that's amazing - doesn't time go by so quickly.

Bedrooms and changes

Spend today moving Jimmy into his new bedroom – something that both of us had got quite nervous about – but it was fine – we have had a really good today – putting together his new big double bed and sorting stuff – and Jimmy himself commented that his old bedroom was really pretty disgusting and how his new one was so much better – so I am pleased that I pushed him into it.

It was more than a bedroom change as it involved him going through his past and moving on – we ended up at the Tip with about 7 bin bags of rubbish and all his GCSE papers are how in the re-cycling bag. We both had a good time going through his mementos of his childhood as that was what we actually doing – and all of them had involved his Dad in someway – but we had a happy day doing it – though both pretty knackered by this evening!

I had a wobble this morning when I started the process with Jimmy still in bed – as I found a bag of Chris’s clothes – I don’t know how they had got put away in a cupboard – but probably because they were ones I couldn’t bear to get rid of six months ago. I just filled up and sobbed when I found them. They are now in the bin. It was a shock to open this bin bag and to see the clothes and also to smell them.

The new shower is absolutely wonderful – I have had four in two days – so far – and I might even have another before I go to bed! Jimmy also loves it – the bathroom isn’t quite finished as it needs a new door and a bit more painting but it’s great.

Gilly came round last night and we had a barbie with Jim and then we sat outside with the new Chimnea and she told me all about Australia and I told her all about India – and it was a great evening. I’ve missed talking to Gilly and I am so pleased she had a trip of a life-time and such a wonderful time.

Yesterday I also went to Martin Mere with my parents and three sisters and saw a lot of ducks! It was lovely to see everyone but I wasn’t in very good form as I had found last week hard. I think I need to take things a bit easier for a bit – probably less so at home than at work – I was very exhausted by Friday evening and really quite wobbly.

So Sunday evening think I’ll try and take things easier at work – I don’t want to push myself into making mistakes and that’s what I’m worried about at the moment.

Steps forward and steps back

Today was a hard day - like many - the expression two steps forward and one step back was my motto today – I have spent the day trying to focus on the point that the net result is one step forward!

Today I also told my boss Anne that I am struggling - I think I am increasingly hiding it well - but at the moment I find everything so hard - she was great and after that conversation and a later one with a colleague Sue – I think I need to take care - people see me on the surface doing really well – and they don't know/understand that I am actually struggling so much underneath - and I veer between wanting them to know and wanting them not too!

I talked to Anne about how at the moment I have to question my judgement and decisions – I feel I have lost confidence in my ability to make decisions – and I think the new (as yet incomplete) bathroom may be a point in case!

I feel quite lost at the moment – on one level swan like – doing myself - seeming in total control – whilst underneath paddling frantically away.

I am also having a problem focusing – and following through things – I sit at work with the constant flow of emails and decisions etc etc and make some but because of indecision end up losing some.

That all looks muddled – and that’s probably because that’s how I feel.

Anyway – today was a Weepy Day – a step back rather than two forward.

Good things – I talked about this at work – I felt a lot of relief with actually telling people - and I also talked to all three of my sons – told them that I’m struggling - and that’s also probably not a bad thing – they maybe think I’m doing this bereavement stuff really well – which I am – but it is probably good for them to know- that I can so easily be blown off course.

Bottom line is their Dad, Chris would have wanted us to get on with it – and I am proud to say - we are.

Sunday evening

Lots of good first this weekend – though they all carried the bit weepy liability of being firsts!

Friday evening – I ended up going to Tesco’s because the electrician was here – then later after Jim went out I was on my own but happy to be so – being on my own has been a difficult thing for me – I was a young woman of 18 when I met Chris and our lives with three children at 6 year intervals has meant that I have not been much at home on my own – as I increasingly find this to be the case - I suppose I am not only getting used to it – but also starting to enjoy it – Friday night was a bit of a first for that – which was good.

Saturday started early with the electrician again and ended up at Grant and Erica’s for a barbeque – the weather has been un-seasonably good – and I really enjoyed their beautiful garden, good food and easy conversation – walking to and back over the park on my own was a first - a good one. Life with Chris was different – he couldn’t walk and so my new life style involves a different kind of mobility – I am currently recognising and then trying my best to enjoy the increased ‘freedom’/’difference’ that is my new life.

After the pleasure on Saturday’s barbeque I asked everyone back to mine for a Sunday one – Alex was home seeing his mate Scott who is in the army in Afghanistan for Saturday night – and Jim went to see Bob Dylan in Sheffield – but all three boys were around Sunday afternoon.

So I have now had my first barbeque – literally new as I had put our old and well used/well loved barbeque in the skip - and Rob and I had bought a crazy Spanish Chimney one in what could still be called bereavement shopping in January!

All heavy thoughts aside – I did enjoy it – the new Barbie is funny but cooked well – the company was good – my boys were loud and funny – and I can now have a barbeque knowing that I have done a post Chris one before!

Also I have now had two baths in my new massive and strangely shaped bath – no shower yet – or door but I enjoyed both of them greatly. I have also started reading again – going back through my old favourites – knowing that Jane Austen is pure displacement but enjoying the safety of her novels – three this week!

So back to work tomorrow – not for Jim as school has effectively finished for him this year – though he is still in a place of indecision – and I still don’t whether to push or to condone – but I suppose we will work it out – he knows he is loved – he knows at some point he will have to face the real world - but why should I force him to do what he is reluctant to do – work in progress – and maybe the bathroom will be finished this week – though like all improvements – a prelude for more work now needed!

Bit more cheerful

It’s Easter Sunday and Jim and I have spent the afternoon sorting out the back garden – it looks and feels good.

Felt a lot better today – spent a bit of time this afternoon re-reading some of the blogg – seeing it in black and white made me appreciate how far we’ve come. I am also aware that I write the blogg quite often when I’m feeling down and that most of the time am not as miserable as I seem to be!

Anyway feel happier tonight – have been thinking about change – I am starting to want change but also feel the comfort of things being the same – all be it different – that doesn’t make much sense! But what I mean to say is - I increasingly know I need to change my life – but at the same time I am reluctant to do so.

All the advice I have listened to says – don’t make changes to quickly – though in many ways changes occur naturally – for example the new bathroom seemed a good idea but the knock on effect is more change and like Jim when facing these I’m not sure I like it – but today I think I should make changes - nothing radical for a bit but accept that changes are good – even though in some ways they distance me from my life with Chris.

I suppose the Counsellors would have a name for this stage – I don’t know what it is but I feel that these small changes are preludes to bigger ones – but isn’t that what life is about?

Long blogg time

Saturday night in a dust covered house with no bathroom or upstairs toilet - but it’s all clearly work in progress.

Last Saturday night I was in the Black Bull Wolsingham, County Durham and the Saturday before in Peter Cats Restaurant, Kolkata.

Feeling very low tonight – I think the last two weeks have been a bit over-whelming – and it’s time to come down.

When I booked a cottage for Easter – Aziz and I chose it – sometime over the New Year – I had thought of the boys and visiting Heff places – but I hadn’t really thought through the fact of how strong my memories of Chris would be there - in the North East - mind – as Alex pointed out – what did I expect!

I just hadn’t thought it through- and I did seek it out – visiting places where Chris and his parents lived and where thirty five years ago I went up to meet Chris’s Mum - and thirty years - Strad and Jeanette etc - my whole adult life in many ways.

Being there with all five boys was lovely – we did several good long walks and visited special places and also a couple of special people – Alan and Moria. But the last few days I have been very sad and a bit weepy - I suppose it is very natural and normal – I am a widow of just six months – and that’s not a long time.

The thing I miss most is talking to Chris – I really wanted to tell him about India – and about my concerns about the boys, the world, my job and everything else. I have lots of people I can talk to – good friends, family, boys but the bottom line is I just miss Chris.

Strangely - I also missed my blogg last week – I had lots of thoughts going round my head and the blogg is my way of getting a focus.

So – here I am six months on – much better than the early days – functioning – all of us – not just me – I can see the boys moving on – the house changing – I think Jim is struggling with this – he has been amazing about being left in charge with Bernard the builder – but I have now proposed that he moves bedrooms and more changes – and he doesn’t want change – and I cry as I write this – as we have had too many changes over the last six months.

I just want the best for my boys – as every parent does – and it’s so hard to know what the best thing to do is – and in someways should I be doing anything – it’s tempting not too - I do feel incredibly close to my boys – they are just so lovely – and it was special to be away with them this week. Though I feel we are in a strange place – a place we would not have been in – for good or bad – who knows!

The boys are very sensitive to my feelings– although their reaction may well be diversionary and lead quickly to fart jokes –I do show them my feelings at the moment – whether I want too or not – it’s not like I’m weeping all over the place but firsts are firsts and I have had a lot of them in the last two weeks – six months – and my boys are sensitive and me being both weepy and trying my best not to be – probably fart jokes are the best thing!

Well – I have enjoyed writing my blogg tonight and I will now find a couple of photos – Northumberland and County Durham was also so beautiful…….